Why the “Cry It Out” Method is So Controversial

When the newborn baby comes home, you feel happiness, joy, and excitement for several weeks. Once the sleep deprivation sets in, those feelings remain, but often with a sense of helplessness and desperation. It would help if you had sleep to survive, and those middle-of-the-night feedings or fussiness don’t lend themselves to restful behavior.

In fact, human beings need sleep to survive. Without it, you may deal with coordination problems, mood swings, and memory loss. Add this to the already overwhelming feeling of being a new parent, and things can get scary fast.

Training a baby to sleep is a lot like trying to lose weight. There are new, trendy, “fad” ways to do it, but there’s not one that works strictly for everyone. This can be hard when you’re doing your best to get by on little sleep with no end in sight. One option that many parents turn to can also be controversial. You may know it simply as the “Cry-It-Out” method.

How It Works

There are nine informal steps to this method when it comes to getting your baby to sleep. The first step is to reduce daily naps, the second is to set an earlier bedtime. The third is to create a relaxing bedtime routine so your baby knows when it’s time for sleep. Of course, you want to make sure all your baby’s basic needs are met, so the fourth step is to ensure they’re fed, changed, and warm.

Step five is creating a cool, dark, quiet environment for them to sleep in. The sixth step is to give your baby a verbal good night or signal, like a kiss on the forehead. When they start to fuss, the seventh step comes into play, and you use soothing words to calm them down. Number eight is to make sure your baby is safe by using a baby monitor. Finally, the ninth step is to let your baby cry and ignore their wants, satisfying only their needs.

Seems simple, right? Thousands of parents have used this method to settle their babies down and train them to sleep. Unfortunately, there are some reasons this method can be harmful, so there’s controversy surrounding it, and we want to break it down in simple terms for you to understand even when you’re sleep-deprived.

Why It’s Controversial

Reputable sources like Psychology Today warn against the dangers of this method. According to them, the method was created from a misunderstanding of how children develop and what’s important during each step. Many experts believe that letting babies get stressed and upset like that can harm them and their relationships long-term. The belief is that giving babies what they need fosters independence later in life while depriving them increases dependence on caregivers.

These experts call this method the unmodified extinction or total extinction method, and point to the studied effects of need-neglect or undercare in babies. If a baby's needs aren’t met, they can develop reactive attachment disorder and difficulty in developing caring, stable, loving attachments.

They also focus on the fact that babies grow emotionally from being held. Their bodies are more regulated when they are with their caregivers, and separating them can cause physical problems or brain dysregulation. Babies who aren’t held often have developmental delays, difficulty soothing themselves, and behavioral and emotional problems.

Leaving a baby to cry it out can also undermine trust between the caregiver and the child. The first year of life is an important time for babies when they develop a sense of trust. They learn who is safe and who is not. When a baby’s needs are met without significant distress, they learn the world is trustworthy. If needs are put off to sleep train a child, their self-confidence and trust are undermined.

Now, it may seem crazy to think that a young baby remembers how they were sleep-trained and that it can affect them long-term. In fact, studies show that infants begin to feel emotions like sadness, fear, surprise, and anger between two to six months. They have “stranger danger” around five or six months. 

During the first year of life, babies develop an attachment type. Research shows that those who are neglected during that first year have lower language and cognitive scores and additional behavioral problems. 

This isn’t to say that setting your baby down and letting them cry occasionally is going to ruin them for life. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Taking a break from a crying baby can help to improve your mental health and give you renewed energy to care for them. It’s long-term neglect and unmet needs that lead to problems, not an hour crying alone while mom takes a break. As long as your baby is safe, it’s okay to let them cry for a bit. The question is if it’s a proper sleep training method.

Other Sleep Training Methods

So, if the cry-it-out method worries you or doesn’t work for you, what other options do you have? Some parents just hit the jackpot and get a baby that sleeps on their own within a few months, but that’s rare. We’ve taken a look at some other sleep training options to help you determine which one works best for you and your baby.

Chair Method

Also known as the sit-back method, simply put a chair next to your baby’s crib. When they go to bed each night, lay them in their crib while you sit in the chair. Stay in the room until they’re sleeping, and if they wake up, go back to the chair. Every night, move the chair farther away until the chair is out of the room. 

Fading Method

The fading method is one of the easiest ways to sleep-train a baby because it requires very little change to your schedule. Simply take what you normally do to get the baby to sleep at night and shorten the time doing it. If you rock them, set a timer and shorten the time each night. If you sing to them, taper off faster every night. All you’re doing is decreasing the time you spend getting your baby to sleep, but still meeting their needs.

Respectful Sleep Training Method

If you don’t need a strict schedule for your baby, this may be a great method for you. This method is for those who focus on creating a secure attachment and soothing the baby back to sleep. Basically, you hold, rock, and soothe your baby however they prefer and when they prefer. This method can take longer and require more commitment and time but it is still a valid way to train your baby.

Pick-Up/Put-Down Method

Put your baby down for bed when they’re ready. If they start to fuss, go into their room and pick them up for a short period. Comfort them and rock them, but put them back in the crib before they fully fall asleep. This may happen over and over at night until you get it right, so make sure you have some patience and dedication.

Should You Train Your Baby

The truth is that there’s no right or wrong way to sleep-train your baby. The cry-it-out method may work great for some parents while others feel more anxiety while listening to their child cry. Some babies will quickly pick up on the process while others will sometimes cry all night. You can’t go wrong as long as your baby is safe, comforted, and loved. In the chaos of bringing a new baby into the house, go easy on yourself if sleep training isn’t right for you.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your baby doesn’t sleep at all or cries throughout the night, you may want to see a doctor. If you feel the urge to harm your baby or yourself, seek professional help immediately. If you don’t have help, fear your baby is in pain, or just need some tips or ideas, reach out to your pediatrician.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©marialevkina/Shutterstock.com.