The Most Impactful Way to Make Sure the “Safe Sex” Talk Doesn’t Fall on Deaf Teen Ears

When they’re cute little newborns and toddlers, you pray they’ll never grow up. Then they become miniature adults with their own beliefs and personalities. Eventually, they become teenagers who want to push your boundaries as far as they can. Finally, they turn into adults that you enjoy being around (hopefully), and the cycle resumes with the next generation.

Speaking of cycles resuming, one of the most important conversations you can have with your kids is about safe and appropriate sex. For a lot of parents, this is an awkward, uncomfortable conversation, but it doesn’t have to be. If you’re prepared and keep communication lines open, your kids grow up with a healthy attitude about sex while also acknowledging boundaries. We’ve put together a few tips to make it easier, but remember there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Adapt our tips to meet your own family’s situation and listen to your own instincts. We’re just here to help you get started.

Pick the Right Time

Don’t tell your kids you’ll take them shopping, then bring up the subject when you’re on the freeway and there’s no way to escape (true story). When you’re teaching about safe sex and consent, it’s important that you model the behavior you want them to learn. Forcing a conversation does the exact opposite and can cause panic in your child.

When it comes to their age, there’s never a wrong time to start talking about safe sex. Young kids will ask where babies come from, or wonder how their siblings were born. Keep the details age-appropriate and don’t be discouraged if you haven’t started yet. It’s never too late. Some experts suggest you start talks as soon as five, and discuss pubertal changes by the time they’re nine. Generally, teens show an interest in sex at 12-13 years old, so you should have a solid foundation by then. If you don’t, start now, but offer small tidbits at a time.

Encourage Correct Vocabulary

Most families have “code words” for certain parts of their body, and that’s just fine for younger kids. You don’t want them running around screaming about reproductive organs in the grocery store, but once the talks get serious, it’s time to encourage correct vocabulary.

Using the right words allows for accurate communication, agency, and empowerment. It also helps identify any concerns with sexual health when kids become more self-conscious about those parts of their bodies. It also destigmatizes sex and turns body parts into exactly what they are — body parts. It’s also easier for children to identify and talk about abuse when they know the correct vocabulary to use.

Avoid Shame or Stigma

Whether your moral or religious beliefs have boundaries around sex, your child still has the choice regarding what to do with their own body. Avoiding the conversation or punishing kids for asking questions only adds to the stigma and shame associated with healthy, safe sex. 

If your kids are engaging in sexual behavior, have a factual conversation with them to ensure they are doing it safely. It can be difficult when emotions are high, so set aside a time when you can manage your feelings and focus on what’s best for them. This is a complicated situation for a lot of parents, but it greatly affects the long-term view of sex for kids.

At the same time, there are ages when it’s completely inappropriate for kids to engage in sexual behavior. Every state has its own age of consent and it’s important to discuss that with your kids. If they aren’t young enough to understand what sex is but frequently talk about it, you may need to do some deep digging to find out why and be vigilant about anything that signals abuse.

Discuss Choice, Testing and Contraception

Most teenagers want to push the limits until you put the choice in their hands. If they’re fighting you about when they can have sex, make sure they know it’s their choice. But with that choice comes a set of consequences they may not be prepared for. While they can make their own choice, they must also understand the importance of doing it in a smart way.

If your teen is sexually active, the first step is to discuss contraception. This is a preference thing and will change from situation to situation but some examples include an IUD, condoms, or birth control. Remind them that the only form of birth control that is 100% effective is abstinence, so they need to be safe and prepared.

The second part of this is testing to ensure they are safe from any sexually transmitted infections or diseases. If they’re sexually active, they should be tested every six months, even if they use contraception. This type of testing is often associated with negative sexual behavior, but it’s something everyone should do. If your child makes the adult choice to engage in sexual activity, they need to be prepared to complete the adult steps of using contraception and getting tested regularly.

Answer Their Questions

This isn’t a conversation you can structure beforehand, and it’s important that you’re open to discussion. There are certain things you need to cover at certain ages (appropriate touch for young children, puberty for young adults, consent for all), but your child may have questions that you should be ready to answer.

If you haven’t discussed safe sex with your kids, there’s a high probability they’ve heard about it from friends or at school, and not from teachers. If they have questions, you want them to come to you so they better understand what’s at stake. When you have conversations about sex, make sure to give them time to ask questions and answer them honestly and thoughtfully. Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have the answer to something. Let your kids know you’ll get the answer and resume the conversation later.

Emphasize Bodily Autonomy and Safety

When it comes to safe sex talk, there’s a fine line between safety and bodily autonomy. Ultimately, your child needs to understand that it is their choice if someone touches them in any way. This can start when kids are young. If a relative asks for a hug or kiss and your child isn’t comfortable with that, allow them to abstain. They are not required to let anyone touch them without first gaining consent.

All genders must understand bodily autonomy and safety. While females are the most likely to experience sexual assault, it happens to men and non-binary kids too. Discuss the proper way to say no, how to set boundaries, and when to panic. Encourage them to make smart, safe choices, but ensure they know if anything happens to them, it’s not their fault. 

Set safety boundaries when it comes to sexual activity. You can have a code word or phrase if your child needs to get out of a situation and doesn’t feel comfortable. Encourage them to carry protective gear when they are out alone. You want them to make decisions about how far they are ready to go sexually BEFORE they are in the situation. They can make educated choices if they have open communication with you.

Make It an Ongoing Discussion

It’s no longer about the “birds and the bees” discussion. The time for having one talk about sex and moving on from there is gone. In today’s world, one of the most important parts of keeping your kids safe is opening communication lines everywhere. Always underreact and listen to them when they have questions. A non-judgmental, supportive parent makes for a safe place to land when something goes wrong. And remember – you’re not always going to get it right. Give yourself grace, make mistakes, acknowledge them, and start fresh.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©iStock.com/Rost-9D.