When Kids Open Up: The Essential Do’s and Don’ts for Meaningful Conversations

It never fails. You get the kids to bed, finally crawl into your own bed after a long and exhausting day, and then the second you turn off the lights, you hear a small voice from your doorway: “Can we talk?” Emotions hit hard when the sun goes down, and it’s often when your child will want to discuss the heavy things. It may not always be easy, but we'll walk you through why you should always welcome the conversation and how to calm big feelings when they're overwhelming your child.

Do: Listen to the Best of Your Ability at the Time

As parents, we know that listening is the first key to understanding our children. When your child asks to talk, be sure to make eye contact and fully engage your brain in the conversation. But, if your kids are like mine and prefer to save the biggest, most emotional conversations for the middle of the night and/or when I'm the only parent in the house, you may not always be able to give one child your undivided attention. It's okay to listen as long as you can, and then ask your child to continue the conversation later or to write down some of their feelings to talk about later.

Don't: Listen Halfway While Doing Something Else

If you want to make sure your kid continues talking to you when they have a problem, you need to show them you're paying attention. Put down your phone and turn off the TV. Finish any other essential tasks you might be doing before delving into a deeper conversation.

Do: Say a Few Words to Show You're Listening

Sometimes your child might need some reassurance that you're listening to what they're saying. Maintaining eye contact and saying “Yes,” or “OK,” shows children that you hear what they're saying. A reassuring nod can also go a long way. Respect their time and trust in you by acknowledging that you're listening.

Don't: Make Snap Judgements or Offer Unsolicited Advice

One of my favorite books on this topic is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The book instructs parents to think of how they would want another adult, like a friend, spouse, or sibling, to respond if they were complaining or venting about something that happened in their day.

If you were complaining to your spouse that you were tired, you wouldn't want them to say that you're just lazy or need to eat more protein. Like adults, children may be looking for sympathy or a solution. But, if they need a solution, they might ask you to help or they may want to take some ownership by coming up with a solution on their own.

Do: Identify Their Emotion

Sometimes little kids know they don't like the feeling they're experiencing, but they don't know what it is or how to handle it. You can use our feelings chart for kids to figure out what emotion might be troubling your kid, or just talk through what happened to help them figure out if they're nervous, anxious, scared, sad, angry, or frustrated. Once they (and you) know how they're feeling, you can help them come up with a way to feel better that's appropriate for the time, their age, and the situation.

Don't: Minimize Their Feelings

Telling your child that they're overreacting, being a baby, or not working hard enough at something makes them feel like you aren't on their side. Even if their problem seems small to you, it's important to show that you care and are working with them to help resolve the issue and get them back to feeling like themselves. Kids aren't going to come back to you to talk about their problems if they feel like you're belittling them or not giving their feelings enough weight.

Do: Determine If There is a Problem That Needs Solving

Kids, like adults, sometimes just need to talk about something that happened during their day that frustrated them. Sometimes my kids vent to me about issues like their class not getting extra free time because a few kids weren't behaving, or not being picked for a team or theater part that they wanted. In some of these cases, it's okay to just say “Well, that stinks. I'm sorry that happened.” Hugs, empathy and time can sometimes heal as well as words, and sometimes things disappoint us but don't require a solution or a larger discussion.

Do: Talk Your Child Through Possible Solutions or Coping Mechanisms — IF That's What They Want

My children often worry about things like feeling left out at recess or not doing well on a test or assignment, and they're asking for advice both on what to do about the worry and/or the problem itself. These are the kinds of problems that Dad or I can help them create a set of possible solutions for without outside help.

We find we have more success when we explain to our kids these are problems we dealt with in our childhood, too. Try telling your kids about a time when you experienced a similar situation and what you did to make it better. We often ask them to think of a possible solution, and they usually come up with the same things we would suggest: trying to play with a different friend or group at recess, being ok with spending some time by yourself, asking for help studying for a test, or spending a little more time on an especially difficult assignment.

Don't: Assume Your Child Already Knows How to Cope

While your child may be able to come up with a possible solution if you walk them through it, don't simply assume your child already has the coping strategies they need. If they're dealing with big feelings, they may need your help in learning how to cope with stress and anxiety that may come up during the school day.

You might talk to your child about breathing techniques, having a mantra to help yourself calm down, playing with a fidget, or counting down from 100 in your head to get your mind off the stressful situation.

You can also talk to your child about mindfulness. Especially if your child is ruminating in the middle of the night, it can be important to talk about recognizing and breaking the cycle of worrisome thoughts. Make a plan for what you are going to do about the situation you are worried about, and then think about something else, like reading a book or imagining your next vacation instead of dwelling on your worry.

Do: Ask For Outside Help If your Child Needs It

If your child is asking for advice on a bigger issue, you may need more than a minute to think about the best course of action. You can find resources for children with anxiety and depression through the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology. Learn more about what to do if your child is being bullied at StopBullying.gov. And make sure you talk to your children's teachers, principal, and/or doctors if the issue is beyond something you can deal with at home.

Don't: Ignore Your Instincts

If you feel something bigger might be going on with your child, it's better to look into it and find nothing than ignore something that could be a major issue. Sometimes, even if you don't know exactly what your child is dealing with, you have to trust your instincts when you feel like something is up.

Do: Make Sure Your Child Feel Safe and Comfortable Talking to You

If your child has come to you in the middle of the night with a worry or a problem, they're unlikely to immediately feel better and return to sleep within the hour. But hopefully, by listening, understanding, and possibly helping them find a path forward, they will feel more at ease. Make sure you've done everything you can to provide comfort, whether it's through words, hugs, or just being there, before asking them to try to go back to sleep or to return to the next activity. Tell them that it's ok to continue a conversation later if they continue to experience an emotion, but don't force them to talk about it again. Again, sometimes it just helps to be there and say nothing at all.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Alexander_Safonov/Shutterstock.com.