The Best Advice You Can Give a New Teenager (and Things You Should NEVER Say)

Do Say: I Trust You

We’ve all heard the old saying that trust takes a lifetime to earn and a second to lose, but your kids shouldn’t have to earn anything from you. They come inherently worthy of trust UNTIL they do things to lose it. Too many parents start their kids in the negative when it comes to trust, and it confuses them and makes them feel as if they’ve done something wrong. This sets even the best kids up for failure.

Rather than telling them they need to earn your trust, try telling them that you trust them until they give you a reason not to. This puts the decision in their hands and tells them up front that there is a consequence for breaking trust. When they do inevitably mess up, give them chances to earn your trust back, and don’t hold it over their heads once the problem has been settled. Kids are going to mess up from time to time, and they should have the freedom to do that and also know they can come back from it.

Don’t Say: Nothing

When your teen lashes out and hurts your feelings or ignores your rules, it’s natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and frustrated. What’s NOT natural is to try to correct their behavior by ignoring them or icing them out. Kids don’t understand this complex behavior and may feel as if they are unlovable if they make a mistake. This can set your teen up for difficult long-term relationships.

In extreme cases, the silent treatment is considered abuse. It leads to feelings of emotional abandonment and sends them to others to get the love and support they need. You can’t change your child’s behavior by simply ignoring them. They need to understand why you are upset, what they can do to fix it, and that they are still loved. Using love to change behavior will ruin your relationship with your kids and can seriously damage them mentally.

Now, it’s okay to take a step back and ask for some time to process your feelings about the issue. The key is to keep communication lines open and let your teen know you still love them, but you need to work through things.

Do Say: I Will Always Love You

Teenagers need unconditional love, but the truth is that they’re going to push your boundaries as far as they can. When this happens, they need to know that they’re still loved and worthy, even if you are angry or frustrated about their choices. As a parent of a teenager, it’s time to understand that your kids WILL mess up. It’s a matter of when not if.

This doesn’t mean that choices don’t have consequences. There are natural consequences and ones you impose yourself. Make sure the consequences match the crime, and ensure that your teen understands that their punishment is not tied to your love for them. They are loved no matter what, but their behavior may require you to take some privileges away.

This statement is also applicable to situations where your child shares any type of secret with you. Abuse, sexual orientation, and self-harm are three things that many teenagers feel shame and guilt about. If your child knows you love them no matter what, they’ll feel safe coming to you to get rid of their negative feelings.

Don’t Say: Just Get Over It

It may seem small to you because you’re looking at the problem through an adult lens, but every problem your teen faces seems huge to them. When you tell them to just get over it, you diminish their feelings, worries, and concerns. It also confuses them because they don’t trust their own emotions.

Instead, sit down with your child and discuss how they’re feeling. Try to understand the WHY behind the feeling so you can address the real problem. Validate their feelings, but help them understand that they can get through even the worst-case scenario. As they go through different events in life, they’ll refer back to the times they survived similar crises and be able to get through them easier, but if you dismiss their worries up front, they have no coping mechanisms.

Do Say: Your Options Are Limitless

Your teen should know that you believe they can do and be anything they want to be. If they have unrealistic dreams, the world will let them know that when it’s appropriate, but it’s not your job to hold them back. When a child says they want to be a superhero or become a doctor, we let them believe it. The same should be true of your teen. If they think they are going to play professional soccer and you know there’s no chance, you don’t need to tell them that. Just temper their expectations and limit how much effort they put into something.

Moms should always be cheering their kids on, even if what they want is unrealistic. Remember that Tom Brady was drafted into the NFL as the 199th pick and went on to win seven Super Bowl titles. Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was four years old and Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first job. Your child’s options ARE limitless when they have a parent who believes in them. Don’t temper their dreams by saying things like “You’re not smart enough for that” or “You’re too short to play football.”

Don’t Say: Superlatives in Comparison

You can praise one child while tearing another down without even realizing it. If you tell your teen they are the best at doing chores, your other children hear you. If you tell them they are the smartest kid you know, their siblings automatically assume they aren’t as good. Using superlatives in compliments can create resentment between siblings and other family members.

Instead, tell your child how good they are at something without using words like “best,” “sweetest” or “most successful.” You can thank one child for doing the dishes thoroughly without shaming your other children who aren’t quite as good at it. Other examples include:

• You worked so hard for those grades and I’m so proud of you!
• I can tell you put extra effort into cleaning your room and I appreciate it.
• I think the coach will really notice that you have a talent for distributing the ball.

Complimenting one person doesn’t have to mean putting another down. Teens deal with this all day, and they don’t need to hear it at home.