The Best Advice You Can Give a Newly Single Mom (and Things You Should NEVER Say)

(Do) Encourage the Newly Single Mom to Find Her Community 

Even if you do not know first-hand what the newly single mom in your life is going through, you can still be a source of encouragement. Encourage her to find her people. The ones who can lift her up and support her during this time. Find the women who understand what she is going through. The one who has been there and can give her solid advice as she walks through this new journey.  

(Do Not Say) I Know How You Feel Because My Spouse is Always Gone or is an Absent Spouse/Parent

Unfortunately, the comparison game is a very real thing. Many people listen to another person’s hardships and try to grapple with a way they can relate. Although you may be thinking you are supporting the newly single mom, you’re not.  

A person who has a spouse who maybe works a lot has their own set of difficulties. However, it’s not the same thing that the newly single mom is going through. Not only are they navigating the very real pain and grief that comes with a separation or death of a partner, but they also have financial planning, household management, and child-rearing to focus on now by themself.  

(Do) Allow the Mom to Vent or Cry if She Needs to 

Chances are the mom did not picture her life turning out this way. Whether she is a mom who is pregnant without a partner, newly divorced, or widowed, this is most likely not a place she thought she’d end up. The emotions and feelings this mom is undoubtedly feeling may bubble over at random times or when you least expect it.  

Do not scold her or tell her to buck up. Additionally, don’t tell her that she has to pull it together for the kids. Instead, allow her to vent and cry whenever she needs to, especially if the kids aren’t around. She knows she needs to be strong and brave for them, but it is okay for her to let her feelings out whenever she needs to.  

(Do Not Say) Your Children Are Better Off 

Although you may know some details surrounding the divorce or why this friend or family is newly single, it doesn’t give you license to say the children are better off. (Even if that is the case.) Along with the newly single mom, the children are also grieving the life they knew. The last thing they need to hear is how someone who is not in their situation thinks that they are better off.  

(Do) Remind Them That it is Okay to Accept Help 

As a newly single mom, your friend or family member may feel like they have to do it all on their own. This may lead them to refuse help, thinking that now that they are on their own, they can only rely on themselves.

Remind them that it is absolutely okay to accept help. In fact, accepting help will allow them to get much-needed rest, which is important as she walks through this path.  

(Do Not Say) How Terrible for Your Kids, They Need Two Parents 

On the flip side of saying “your children are better off,” comes the “children need two parents.” Some studies show that children in two-parent households do thrive. However, many times the details of these studies are left out of conversation. In actuality, children in a peaceful household with two parents thrive.

However, if the household is volatile, then it’s not a healthy environment to begin with. Since you may not know every detail of the situation, it’s better not to voice your opinion on what her children need.   

(Do) Encourage Her to Seek Out Role Models  

Role models aren’t just for little kids. Encourage the newly single mom to seek out role models. Those who have been in her place and tackled singleness without letting it pull them under.

Find a role model who made an impact on the world or paved a career path for herself. Someone who the mom can look to when they are doubting themselves or feeling burnt out and say “It may be hard, but they did it, so can I.”  

(Do Not Say) At least You Still Have Your Family to Help 

This is a sentiment paved with good intentions. After all, the saying goes, “It takes a village.” However, not everyone has a village to help them while they navigate being newly single. Additionally, some people do not have the right type of village to help.  

It’s better not to assume that everyone who finds themself newly single has a family to help them during this time.  

(Do) Validate Their Very Real Feelings About How Hard it is for Them 

Everyone has their own opinion about what hard is. Some people may feel like the newly single mom is wallowing in self-pity. However, in the early stages, she is working through a ton of grief that feels like a heavy brick wall on her shoulders.  

Validate her very real feelings during this time. Let her know that it’s okay to be feeling the way she is. No one can tell her whether what she is feeling is wrong or right, because those feelings are hers alone.  

(Do Not Say) At least You Get to Enjoy Child Free Weekends 

A break from their kids is something almost every mom dreams about at least once. However, having child-free weekends is not necessarily ideal for a mother. For starters, for school-aged kids, the weekends are some of the only times to plan some type of family fun outing. Additionally, the situation with the other parent may not be ideal for the children.  

Mom may be spending those weekends worrying about the kids, missing them, and fretting. Not rejoicing because she finally has a break.  

(Do) Gently Encourage the Newly Single Mom Not to Jump into a New Relationship

If the newly single mom has just left a partner or is widowed, encourage her to not jump into a new relationship right away in a gentle way.

Of course, you want to steer clear of telling her what to do. However, if the topic comes up, encourage her to work through any grief she may be feeling first so she is in the right frame of mind for a new relationship.  

(Do Not Say) I Can’t Believe You Are Dating So Soon 

Encouraging the newly single mom not to rush into a new relationship gently is a good idea. However, asking her why she is dating so soon may be counterproductive. Most people crave companionship, but it’s also possible she has been ready for far longer than meets the eye to start dating someone new.  

Their relationship may have been over long before the divorce. Regardless of the reasons, if your friend or family member is beginning to date sooner than you think they should, there are more tactful ways to bring up the topic. (Or simply keep your opinions to yourself.)

(Do Say) Families Don’t Always Look the Same, And That is Okay 

A newly single mom may feel guilt or shame with the stigma that families should look the same. If you see that the judgment of society is weighing on her, it is a good idea to remind the mom that all families don’t look the same, and that’s okay.

A family is a family, whether there are two parents in a household or just one. She is doing what she can for her kids and that is most important.  

(Do Not Say) Why Haven’t You Started Dating Yet?  

On the flip side, everyone takes their own amount of time to grieve the ending of a relationship. It’s possible a newly single mom may go years without dating or maybe never date again. Whenever they are ready to begin dating it is their business, not yours.

Their kids undoubtedly come first in every scenario. Additionally, it’s important to be choosey when dating someone new anyway, for the sake of the kids.  

(Do) Remind Her That It’s Okay to Have Needs 

Many times, a newly single mom prioritizes her kids over everything else (which is a good thing.) However, somewhere along the line, she may forget that she has needs too or she may feel guilty for wanting to meet her needs.

Remind her that having needs is a normal part of being a human. She should meet those needs and not neglect them, so she can give her children the very best version of herself.  

(Do Not Say) I Wish I Was a Single Mom 

Sometimes this is said in a joking manner like, “I wish my husband would just go ahead and cheat on me so I can leave him” or “I wish I was a single mom so I wouldn’t have to put up with my husband.”  

While the person saying it may think they are being clever, it’s actually a rude and self-elevating thing to say. Right now, the newly single mom is learning how to navigate life after a partner. While there were maybe bad times in their marriage, it doesn’t mean she wanted to be a single mom.

Being a single mom comes with a host of difficulties that no one should wish for, even if they are joking. Regardless of whether the woman left the relationship or not, commenting on how you wish it was you is something to just keep to yourself.  

(Do Say) Can I Watch the Kids for You One Night So You Can Do Something You’ve Been Wanting to Do? 

A newly single mom may not feel like they can ask someone to babysit her children. If she hasn’t found a reliable babysitter, then it’s a great sign that you can step in. Ask her if you can watch her kids (for free) so she can go get some of that much-needed me time.  

(Do Not Say) How Much Child Support Do You Get?  

What she gets or doesn’t get in terms of child support is really none of your business. It can be a tricky topic. Furthermore, finances are between the two parents. So, it’s better not to ask this question just for the sake of being nosey.  

(Do Say) It’s Absolutely Okay to Leave Your Kids with a Babysitter 

If she is hesitant to leave her kids with a babysitter because she is drowning in guilt, remind her that it is 100% okay. If she has someone she trusts, then taking advantage of that situation and offer is perfectly okay. In fact, it’s actually great for her mental health.  

(Do Not Say) How do You Keep Up With Everything?  

A newly single mom has probably fretted about how she will manage everything now on her to-do list. Along with the responsibilities, she also is thinking about her new financial situation, how to help her children with their grief and pain, and focusing on hers.

She may not be able to “keep up with everything” right now, and that is okay. Instead of asking how try asking her what you can do to help.  

In Conclusion 

Being a newly single mom is not a place many women see themselves in. However, if you have a family member or friend who is beginning to navigate this new path, there are several ways you can support her. Knowing what to say and what not to say is very important. Use the advice in this article as a guide while remembering the most important thing you can do for her is simply to be there.